the more i learn about history and the more theory i absorb, the more i think i'm turning into what an american biden-voting liberal would call a "tankie"

why does every youtube video have segments with an Extremely Subtle Zoom now. ever since i noticed it i literally can't stop seeing it

first day of my new job was yesterday. its very straightforward, but in the moment i was just devoting all my RAM to paying attention and trying to retain everything i was being told that i was dead tired by the end of it and slept til noon today. not even adderall has perked me up. being tired is an alien feeling to me these days but i think once i get used to everything with this job it won't wear me out as much. its only 3 days a week too, so that gives me plenty of time to rest between shifts (plus keeping in line with my goal of working as little as possible lol)

after the shakiness and euphoria from my first two doses wore off, the TL;DR on the last week+ of adderall* is:

- i don't get overwhelmed and go into a negative emotion spiral anymore. i still get negative thoughts but they're much more manageable (tbf this is probably mostly the lexapro, but the adderall has only improved things)

- i have the energy to do things, and i don't get as exhausted from doing them. of course the downside is that because my body naturally wants to be nocturnal i end up taking my adderalls later in the day than i probably should, and i've had to be more mindful about getting enough sleep lest i get mind-breaking headaches later

- i'm motivated and think a lot more clearly now. i've been able to finally make a dent in the filth that had accumulated in my kitchen! i can see the bottom of the sink now and the gnats/roaches are showing up much less now! of course theres still some Ominous pots by the stove, but i'm working my way back there

- the only downsides aside from undersleeping are increased thirst and decreased hunger. remembering to drink is easy enough but since adderall gives me so much energy plus dulls my appetite, i have to be mindful to force myself to eat something even if i think i feel ok

it took a couple of weeks and a piss test but my bitch insurance company finally approved my pre authorization for adderall and i got it today and took my first dose at like 7pm even though the latest i'm supposed to take it is noon but i was excited to finally feel what it feels like to have Energy and Motivation and sleeping at night is for casuals!! one dose in and i feel great!! without adderall i'm like a zombie, with adderall i'm like gandhi from the ADHD episode of clone high

i hope the mysterious reoccuring pain i've been having in my lower right abdomen is my ovary having problems again, because then it'd be easier to talk a doctor into removing both of them! if one is fucking up, the other might start doing it too, you know. i'm almost at the end of my breeding years with no children so i think it'd be easier than when i tried (and failed) to get my tubes tied in my early 20s, but you never know.. some doctors just can't comprehend someone not wanting to reproduce

i couldn't get my ADHD medication yesterday because my insurance company (that knows i'm Officially Diagnosed(tm) ADHD because they paid for the testing!!) said no and it cost too much (even with goodrx) for me to just buy!! DISAPPOINTED!!

honest question: has anyone EVER gotten a job through LinkedIn? i made a new account about a month ago in a job search desperation and as far as i can tell its solely a platform for corporations or recruiters/managers who think they're influencers to jerk themselves off

here's a feel i experience: when someone who you percieve to be a sexy example of your prefered gender/s reveals that they're actually a gender you aren't attracted to, you no longer think they're sexy but their new appearance/body language/etc is far more Natural and Right than it ever was before and they're clearly happier too so even though your perception of them has changed you still think they're beautiful and just generally look better than they ever did before

specifically this was my thought process wrt abigail/philosophy tube and i wish TERFs were even half this mature when elliot page came out. that social media tantrum they all threw made me second hand embarrassed for them

i'm trying to Read Theory but my brain is so smooth and das kapital is so long. i've listened to people explain the concepts in it simply but i know thats not good enough, i need to read it for myself. maybe i should find an audiobook instead,

caleb maupin sounds like squilliam fancyson

every time i see tucker carlson's face it always looks the way i feel i look when i try to make appropriate facial expressions in unfamiliar situations

i thought i was doing some smart shit by using w3-include-html to keep my shitposts.html file from getting massive but now when neocities does update posts it does a preview of the posts.html page which looks bad on its own. i guess i'll just have to update the shitposts.html file whenever i make a new post lmao

i wasn't expecting like benny but he's grown on me and now i'm sad that i couldn't save him in my playthrough. he told me he'd help me fight off the legion guys for freeing him and to his credit he did try. but he took like one punch from a legion dude, clipped through a table and died immediately. he was braver than the NCR troops and i will miss him dearly

coming to the disturbing realization, after seeing a mere two courier/jason bright fics on ao3, that far fewer people want to fuck jason bright than i previously thought

come on guys.. hancock might be the be most hornt up ghoul, but there are several other ghouls with horn potential within the franchise..

FUCK YES ITS FINALLY RAINING THANK YOU NATURE

it seems we're about halfway through August now. part of me is surprised because it feels like August 1st was just yesterday, but the other, more excited part of me is happy that fall is so close i can almost taste it...

also, for some reason Nature has cockteased me TWICE this week. two nights this week, it got cloudy and thundery, but THERE WAS NO RAIN. this heat is unbearable please give me the sky juice!!

instead of doing anything productive today, i made a new original layout for my blog. if you want to see previous brain droppings for some reason, you can go here.